Finding My Place

For years since we started TTC and lately since we decided not to try anymore, (I can't believe its been more than an year since we made that decision), and redirect our focus on adoption, I still struggle sometimes with finding my place amongst my friends, mostly at church. We go to church on a college campus and our congregation is a good mixture of college students and families . I love my church. I love my pastor and his family. I just don't know sometimes were we fit in. Most of all, I hate when my brain overanalyzes where we don't fit in.

I don't feel like I fit in with the new and younger moms at my church. They seem to find and gravitate toward each other. They have that commonality - their children and the fact that they are parents.

I don't feel we really fit in with the college students. While they are nice and fun to talk to and make me feel liked and loved, they have their own crowd. I don't think they want to hang out with a 30 something like me or their professor (Michael) at church.

I don't feel we fit in with the empty nesters either, though they are a fun bunch to hang out with.
Now that we are paper ready in regards to our adoption I still feel like I'm so close, yet still so far away from being where I want to be.

I know I shouldn't worry about fitting in, but there are times I'm just so tired of feeling excluded.

I learned the other week that there is another pregnant worman at my church. *sigh* I think its safe to say that I'm always going to feel jealous of any pregnant woman I see whether I am friends with her or not.  I feel horrible that I can't even look at her/them in the face. I'm afraid if I do she will be able to perform Legilimency on me and see my jealousy.

I struggled a bit last year when my best friend was pregnant. I was happy for her, don't get me wrong, just sad for us. I think had we (Michael and I) been matched and waiting for placement, it might have made it a bit easier. But I think as long as I and my friends are within child-bearing age, seeing them being able to continue to build their family is going to be hard. I think as long as I acknowledge that difficulty it will help me to move on.

Lately I've been having a problem with the waiting. I knew going into this adoption process that we had the odds stacked against us regarding a match since we are out of state.  Michael had wanted me to send an email to our agency just to check in with them. At first I didn't see the point of sending them an email. I really didn't know what I would say, but after a while I sent one anyway.

I was told that they have had many birthmothers come to them, but they have either placed with local families or they have an Indian card.  While I was happy to get a response back from our agency, it wasn't the response I was hoping to receive. This news just made me further discouraged with this entire process.

This adoption isn't going to work out at all, isn't it?

No one is going to want to place their baby with us because we live out of their state, are they?

This is going to be just like fertility treatments all over again except without the hormonal changes, right?

After my mild tantrum directed at God, I did the only thing I knew I had to do at that moment. I realized I needed to pray. I cried and gave it all to God because I didn't want to carry the hurt, jealousy or rejection anymore.

I realized what it was that I was doing. I wanted a guarantee that this adoption was going to work out. I wanted reassurance that this wait would be worth it. Basically I wanted a spoiler in this area of our adoption journey. Please God, spoil me. I promise to act surprised.

Once I realized what it was that I was doing, it was such a relief to let it go and give it to God. I realize this isn't just a one time thing. I'm sure I'll need to constantly do this should I start to get obsessed again about the wait and feeling discouraged that no one wants to see our profile.

So once again I won't put anything on hold. I won't pass up an opportunity to travel somewhere I've never been. I'll enjoy my Family of two status. I'll live in the now, today, because I can't afford to wonder what will happen tomorrow, next week, or next year. I will take comfort in knowing that my place is right next to my husband.