I Hate My Ovaries

I'm late again, and I blame my ovaries. They are not known for doing anything I ask them to do. They don't produce eggs, just cysts and I blame them for making my cycles long.

I'm a bit bummed. I thought my cycles were regulating. For the last two years, after our last miscarriage in August 2009, my cycles had been coming fairly consistently, without the aid of icky birth control pills (a.k.a Crazy in pill form). It had been nice to have something normal occurring for a change, even if we weren't able to get a pregnancy out of it.

Every once in a while I'd have a long cycle, but then it would regulate and I was "normal" once again.

During those long cycles I had hoped that maybe I was pregnant. Maybe I had defied the odds and my lazy left ovary had decided to produce an egg instead of cysts. Or that the overachieving right ovary, who doesn't have a tube, had decided to produce a good egg and that egg had decided cross to the other side to the left tube. Sounds absurd, but my RE had told me it could happen.

I tell myself that I'll wait until CD 40 and that will be the day I'll test. I take a test and of course its negative. I start my period the next day or the next week (one time I started my period the day I decided to take a test) and I beat myself up for being so stupid for thinking that the test would be positive this time.

Back to Present Day.

I'm late again, and I don't want to take a test even if today is CD 44.

The ovulation pain I thought I felt three weeks prior was most likely a cyst rupturing. The spotting that occurred a week later was most likely not implantation bleeding, but the result of said cyst rupturing.

So really there is no need for me to take a test, because clearly I'm not pregnant.

I wish I still didn't hope for it to happen.

I wish I didn't think about it anymore.

I wish my ovaries worked.

I wish I had both tubes.

I wish I had regular cycles, because that would mean that a part of me was somewhat normal and not broken.