Doing the Math

I hate math. I've always hated math, which is why my degree is in Creative Writing. When I was in college and getting ready to transfer to University I needed one math class to tranfer. I picked the lowest math class I could find that would still give me the proper units to transfer, that class - College Algebra. It really wasn't all that complicated, but for me it was torture. I ended up having to take the class twice, but with the right professor and the use of the best invention ever - the graphing calculator, I passed and was able to transfer to finish my education.

Ask me if I've had to use anything from that math class in my daily life? I'll tell you no, but I think I've had to use some of it - like when I had to half a dose of Brav.elle back when Michael and I were doing treatment (so embarrassing, the nurse had to explain it twice and even draw a picture for me to understand - its been 2 1/2 years and I still can't remember what she said).

What I especially hate is when my brain does math of its own free will. Its slightly disconcerting, but it happens all the time - remembering important dates, less important dates, happy events, and also tragic events.

With happy events and important dates its fun to add to the years of your wedding anniversay, or the day you met your husband. Its fun to reflect on those times and share with each other where the years have taken you.

With tragic events its different. Who wants to calculate the years, months, weeks of something bad that happen? No one, but our brain does it anyway.

On Mondays mornings I spend a few hours with my friend L. On most days I'm with her when she takes her youngest to Tiny Tots, and on some of those days we will see our friend D, who's youngest is also in Tiny Tots.

My brain started doing math again without me prompting it to, reminding me that had our pregnancy in February 2008 not been an ectopic, I too would be joining my friends in taking our child to Tiny Tots. This wasn't a big surprise. I've always known that our first child would be close to the same age as J (L's youngest), but its usually just a passing thought. It wasn't until I allowed myself to really recognized the loss of our child for what it was, meant the loss of other things, little things, like playdates, child birthday parties, friendships.

Well after this my brain wouldn't stop doing the math, it kept calculating and tallying numbers of loss dates and sad anniversaries I've had cataloged in my brain since we started this journey. I'd like to forget them, but I can't forget. Its simple math - addition and subtraction, a basic skill we are taught in elementary school that stays with us forever, and I hate it.

I don't focus too much on these dates in my day-to-day life, but sometimes it can't be helped. Especially when I'm in the middle of a trigger month (as my therapist calls it).

February is a trigger month for me. I hate February. I've hated February for the last 4 years, since the ectopic happened, so its probably fit to reason that my brain will focus on the math of everything we've been through.

So for now I'll count down the days till March, and hope they go by fast.