Four Months Ago Today

We learned that our last IUI worked, but not well enough. The day before, I had requested a blood test to see if I was pregnant because I was spotting and feared I was having another ectoptic pregnancy. My HCG results came back at 5, but according to Kaiser's website 5 it meant I was pregnant. It was hard not to be excited, and it was 14 days post IUI and I had never made it that far without AF coming at 12 days post IUI, so I really believed I was pregnant.

I woke up early the next morning cramping and bleeding...I was miscarrying. I remember at the time I wasn't angry. I was just sad and very numb and I didn't know what to do, so I cried. The anger came later on.

The hardest part about that day was that we didn't just lose a baby, we lost the dream of having children of our own.

We agreed not to do anymore treatments. It was expensive and we were tired of the highs and lows that came with each procedure. It was over. No more trying to get pregnant. What was I going to do now?

I told Michael that if this IUI didn't work, or if it did work and I miscarried, I was going to need counseling. There were too many emotions to have to work through before we could move onto adoption.

We've been in grief counselling for 3 months and I'm thankful to say what a difference its made for us. I no longer have anxiety attacks (or that many), and the depression isn't as bad as it once was, and I'm sleeping better. We are even in the beginning stages of researching adoption agencies. I can actually say that I am content and a little excited about adoption.

There is still one thing I do, and I know it isn't healthy. I count on the calendar how many weeks pregnant I would have been had I not miscarried. This week I would have been 21 weeks pregnant. We would've been able to see if we were having a boy or a girl. I'll probably still do this until April comes.

I still have my bad days, but they aren't as often or nearly as horrible as they used to be.