Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments left on my last post. Just to clarify we were celebrating our 10 year engage-a-versary. Our offical 10 year anniverseary is in March, and not to worry, I'll be sure to post something about it when it comes. Until then, you get to read my the crazy thoughts going through my brain during this adoption journey.
I've been struggling lately with my excitement level. I'm worried because there are some days that I'm just okay with our adoption plans, but not really overly excited about the process.
Of course I'm excited that we're adopting, and I celebrate with each step we complete in this process. I'm just not excited about it all the time. I'm happy about it, just not excited. Understand?
I feel bad sometimes talking to my friends about it because their enthusiasm is much more exhuberant than mine, especially when they ask us where we are in the process. After we share where we are and what we've done, they respond with a huge smile and close with and affirmation on what great parents we will be (this statement brings on a whole new level of anxiety). And I can't bring myself to remind them of the reality that there is a possibility that the adoption might not happen. Adoptions get distrupted, matches fall through and other unforseeable things could happen. Things I really don't want to imagine, but they can happen.
I don't mean to sound so morbid and negative or ungrateful. I'm grateful for this opportunity to adopt. I just like to think I'm being realistic about this whole thing. Is that okay?
I think I'm just so protective of my heart that I'm not allowing myself to get attached to anything in this new journey. And that is exactly what it is...a journey. Its a whole new journey with its own set of detours and road blocks to get used to.
And just like IF treatments had been a new journey to get used to when we had started them 3 years ago, so is this (now that I think about it, I wasn't very excited to be starting IF treatments). I had been excited to be moving onto something new (after 3 years of nothing), but not excited about the process (drugs, dr appts, u/s, b/w, scheduled sex).
I kind of envy our friends optimisim in regards to our adoption journey. They are so sure everything is going to work out for us. I wish I was as confident as them. Its not that I have doubts, just realistic concerns about this process. Because while it might have been picture perfect for someone they know who adopted. It might not be a picture perfect experience for us.
Am I being too hard on myself? I have a right to be cautious, don't I? Considering all the disappointments Michael and I have had over the years in the process of building our family, its okay that I'm a bit gunshy to totally feel I can let my guard down.
I know I think too much.
*facepalm*
I think I'll just allow myself to be encouraged by my friends excitement for us (that's healthy, right?)
#Microblog Monday 599: Daily Rung
1 day ago
36 comments:
I think what you are feeling is completely normal...it is difficult to be excited by something that isn't definite. Your friends get excigted because it is what they are there to do, but you feel what you need to, okay? One step at a time.
I think anytime we have to give our hearts completely to something we become weary of it! After fighting infertility there is definitely a barrier around our hearts! Your friends want you to be happy...that's why they are excited =) Hugs! Good luck with your adoption!
ICLW #55
Wow I can relate so much to this post! I too have been cautiously optimistic about our embryo adoption journey. I'm just to used to things not going right for us & as you said am protecting my heart if things go wrong. I have also felt my friends & family are sometimes more excited, which I'm thankful for. Just can't help but worry.
I think your feelings are spot on, especially with infertility thrown into the mix. I do think that the emotions are less complex for couples adopting who haven't gone through infertility. (And I assume most of your excited friends haven't gone through IF.)
For me, grieving the loss of having a biological child while simultaneously going through the adoption process has been hard. There are two completely conflicting sets of emotions, and yet they are mutually exclusive. My excited feelings are definitely tempered by the sadness I feel about never having a biological child. I don't think most fertiles understand that. I totally get it though.
Hang in there.
You have friends to be there when you need it and they can help carry you through times when you can't be exicted for yourself. As your going through this process you'll have times where your happy to be swimming and times when you just don't care to, ride thier waves and they'll help get you there!
I can see how it would be hard to be excited all the time. It sounds exhausting! Good luck and don't be too hard on yourself.
I think we put up walls as a defense mechanism. I think it is just our brain's natural response to all the stress we've been though. And yes, it is OK to be feeling these things! Very normal! And, it is very healthy to be encourgaged by others. Someday, you will be a mom. Someday.
SO normal!! I'm right there with you - we are close to getting a child placed with us and I am becoming picky. I feel so wrong, I would take any child born to me, but if you are asking me do I want a child with big problems . . . uh not really. Good Luck!
I feel like that too - it must be normal that after everything that we go through optimism isn't natural to us. Go with how you feel, but acknowledge that your friends haven't been through what you've been through, so cannot understand.
ICLW
I think everything you feel is RIGHT and GOOD..at the moment you feel it. I stopped being sorry for HOW I felt a long time ago because it wasn't helping anyone, including me.
You know that it's ok to "protect" your heart until things are more definate, it doesn't mean you're any LESS excited than any of us, but we know what it's like to be there, to be holding on to hope and to have taken away. There's no shame in being cautious, but be happy and excited too.....WE Are, the people who are cheering you on and love ya.
It's absolutely NORMAL to protect your heart and soul from something like adoption. I think anybody that has gone through some sort of "uncontrollable" situation and ended up on the "short end of the stick" has every right to be weary about how things might "shake out" in the next uncontrollable situation you might encounter.
Just know that there ARE people here in this world that are rooting for you and hubby.
i think you're right, you're just guarding your heart! adoption is such a long and weary process...one of my bloggy friends equated it to being pregnant with an elephant, because an elephant pregnancy is 2 years long, and an adoption is just as long, if not longer! hang in there...we're seeing the light at the end of the tunnel in our adoption journey, and it's gotte better but it's still an emotional roller coaster!
happy iclw!
I definitely understand your reasoning for being cautious and I for one think that it's completely normal. I know that our situation with trying to adopt SIL's kids is not exactly the same but that's how I feel-I cannot let myself be excited about it all the time. I worry about something falling through and us not getting the kids. After so many years of IF and trying to be parents, I don't see how anyone canm stay excited/optimistic all the time. *hugs*
i think your feelings are totally normal. praying your process goes smoothly and quickly!
happy iclw!
#171
I think it makes sense that you are being cautious! Completely normal! Hoping that you are met with joy from this journey!
ICLW #2
Echoing everyone else, I think you're being completely normal. Enjoy the journey as best you can, because it's your journey and if something lets you down, you have to deal with it (hopefully, nothing does though!!).
Adoption is a long process. You just don't want to be investing your heart along with your time right now. I think that's normal. It doesn't mean you won't be happy when it does happen for you. So I think it's ok to be cautious with your heart. Whenever you do have a child, you'll be just as loving, so don't beat yourself up over your feelings now. Good luck!
And happy ICLW!
Wanted to let you know I changed my url to http://gvandmonkey.blogspot.com!
That's absolutely normal. We were the same way you are, and our friends were the same way as your friends. They just haven't been through the whole emotional process and don't have to really and truly think about the issues like you do. They care, but just don't feel the need to be as guarded. We did have 2 disrupted adoption plans. Oddly enough, our friends were much more cautious with attaching to E than we were because of the dirupted adoptions. I have lots of theories as to why, but basicly, they were afraid to attach. We didn't have a choice - he was living with us!
I wanted to answer your question on my blog about out of state. I'd say the list is probably the same. Add lots of scented disposible diaper sacks so you can't smell the dirty diapers in the trash, hand sanitizer, and (especially if you are going to fly) a carrier that will accomodate a newborn. If you plan to cloth diaper, I'd probably wait until you get home, IMHO. I think a pack-n-play will be your best bet for a crib. They have the small travel size pack-n-plays (which we have and love) that would work well in a hotel. Don't worry about bathing, although you could do a wipe down with a wash cloth. Also, I'd probably bring some extra blankets to lay baby on b/c hotel rooms can be germy. Just a tip - you can order stuff online and have it shipped to your hotel if you don't have much time/notice.
Thanks for visiting my blog! Happy ICLW!
I think you are just protecting yourself from more hurt and loss. You understand what it's like to hope for something and be excited and then for it not to happen.
Please don't beat yourself up over not being overly excited. It is a long road, and you have every right to feel any way you want.
I understand what you mean completely! My hubby and I are in the process of adopting a 6 year old boy. We are hopefully traveling to Eastern Europe in October to get him....and I am still not really excited. I am terrified something will happen and I can't deal with the disappointment again. So his room still isn't done...and probably won't be looked at until we get a firm travel date. I just wanted to let you know you are NOT alone in this feeling (or lack thereof)
I'm right there with you! Our friends are soooo excited for us. It's hard for me to get excited because I was excited during our fertility treatments each month and look where that got me. I do believe that we will be parents one day, but I just know we could very well still have a long road ahead of us. We could be chosen and then have the birth mother change her mind. Which she has every right to, but I just don't want to get my hopes up for it to happen to quickly. I keep telling myself that it will take a long time. If it doesn't then great, but if it does then I will be expecting it. I won't be hurt this time. I just can't live my life hoping each month will be THE month anymore. So I've decided to continue with my life and when it happens, it happens.
I found your blog by ICLW.
I understand you being realistic cause so am I. But I am praying that everything will be ok and you will have your little one soon.
It's tough... I completely understand... hang in there!
ICLW #49
Pain makes it hard for us to reach out and open up our hearts. When it happens for you, you're heart will burst with love :) xxx
I think our mind try s to protect us and when we have been let down many times in the past it is hard to get excited about possibilities
Hopefully your little one will be in your arms soon!!
Happy ICLW
#100
To spin your words: "I think I know too much". That's the problem with IF....we know too much to just be innocent and hopeful and blithely happy about what we are doing.
I think it's completely normal for you to be reserved about adopting. There are so many things that can happen. Hang in there.
ICLW
Here for ICLW. I think its normal to go in with a shield up after dealing with IF. After all the disappointments that IF brings its hard to get your hopes up about anything related to it. That being said I wish you luck in the adoption!
Good luck and don't be to hard on yourself
~Stopping by for ICLW #69
When we decided to adopt and especially when we found out that AJ was on his way, I felt everything you said and then some. My major 'fear' was "What if I don't love this baby? Most mothers get that bonding experience with pregnancy--an instant love for that little person growing inside them...what if that doesn't happen? What am I going to do?" I was a basketcase. I mean, I said that I loved him when she told me she was pregnant, but I had never been a mother before... I got the privilege of being in the delivery room when my tiny little 2 lb 9oz son was born...and when I heard that little mouse-like squeak, the thoughts of 'what if I don't love him" never crossed my mind again. It was instant. It was real. And it's more amazing and grows deeper with each and every day that passes.
ICLW#41
Good luck with the adoption process! I hope to be there someday though I definitely admit that the thought terrifies me almost as much as it excites me.
ICLW
Gaurding your heart is the only thing you can do when you are stuck in the infertile world. I can relate. Hang in there! I am enjoying your blog and will be following your adoption jouney. We have adopted twice from the domestic system and it can be cruel and confusing. Let me know if I can help in any way. :)
Happy ICLW!
Well congratulations on 10 years and counting.
The entire adoption process can be very frustrating. It's completely understandable to be cautious with your heart. I pray you get the family you want.
Happy ICLW!
Adoption will make you feel crazy forever! It's a daily journey and you're thinking things through the way you should.
Sending big hugs and lots of love.
it irritates me to no end when people say they're hopeful or excited for me. but i guess that's better than saying "you'll be a crappy parent" or "what makes you think that'll work?"
Happy ICLW
Hello from ICLW. Yep, I totally get what you are saying. It's hard to get super excited and over the top about the adoption stuff because it all seems so vague sometimes. Even though we are delighted as can be, I still feel that protective wall around my heart, steeling myself for some unforseen disaster. Because, as you well know, the road to parenthood has some freakin' huge potholes. That being said, keep the faith. :)
Pixie--
Cheese Curds and Kimchi
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