Ten Years Ago, and Ten Years Later

Last Friday Michael and I had an appointment with our new social worker. The agency is located near where we used to go to church back when we were dating. It also marked ten years to the date that he had proposed to me.

The meeting with our social worker went well. It was mostly a introduction meeting but apparently it counted toward a portion of our group interview for the Home Study. She also gave us our autobiographical questionnaires, a few other forms (LiveScan) and we scheduled my individual interview for Wednesday (that went well too.)

After the meeting Michael asked me if I wanted to go to our Barnes and Noble. Not just any Barnes and Noble, the Barnes and Noble where he proposed.  The Barnes and Noble where I said yes. Of course I wanted to go! (Yes, we are oddly romantic.)

We hadn't been there in years, mostly because shortly after we were married we moved out of the area and eventually out of the country. Once we moved back to CA we settled in a different county, so this trip was special.

As we walked in the store Michael had me by the hand and we were both narrating to each other our own version of that day. Back then he was dragging me through the store frantically trying to find a section that was empty. Eventually we ended up on the second floor in the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies section. It was the only empty section in the store (kinda sad when I think about it) next to a floor to ceiling window.  Its was there that he got on one knee and asked me to marry him.

Looking around it was clear that they had moved all the sections. As we went up the escalator and walked to the left we could already see that Bibles and Eastern Philosophies was no longer there. I had this funny feeling in the pit of my stomach which section they had replaced it with. Sure enough when we got there it was now the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section. Oh, the irony.

Michael and I laughed, but it got me thinking of where we were 10 years ago and where those 10 years have brought us.

Ten years ago infertility was the farthest thing from our minds. Ten years ago I had just said yes to the love of my life and was looking forward to spending my life with him. Ten years ago I had dreamed that we would have had 2 kids by now, a lovely house with a two car garage. Living happy and ignorant of the dangers of infertility.

Ten years later infertility is sometimes all I can think about, because its part of who I am. Ten years later we've had our two kids, but we'll never get to hold them or see them grow up. Ten years later and I know more about infertility treatments and words like hysterosalipingogram and intrauterine insemination, than I would like.

But in these ten years, as hard as they have been at times, I wouldn't change it. Well, the not being able to have children part, I would change. I'd be lying if I said no. I'm talking about the influence infertility has had on us, I wouldn't change that. Infertility really has made us stronger and closer as a couple, and when there was no one else to cling to, to save us from the pain of failed treatments, miscarriages, and final decision not to try anymore, we had each other.

I know that infertility has shaped us into the people we are today. I don't know what kind of person I would be had we not been touched by it. Would I still appreciate things the same way I do now? Would I take every good thing for granted, instead of treasuring it? Would I be one of those insensitive people asking inapproriate questions or giving out useless platitudes to someone I know living with infertility?

Would we be adopting? Probably not, and that made me sad.

***

Standing together in the Pregnancy and Child-rearing section formerly known as the Bibles and Eastern Philosophies, Michael wrapped his arms around me and asked me if I'd marry him again. I said yes, in a heartbeat and I wouldn't change a thing.