I guess part of me has always hated crying. Its messy, its loud and it always gives me a headache and a stuffy nose afterwards.
But at the same time, it makes me feel better. The tightness in my chest is gone, the tension in my throat subsides and my heart doesn't feel as heavy.
I still hate crying.
When I was little I was a very sensitive child. Anything would make me cry, I was that sensitive. Kids wouldn't be my friend anymore because they didn't wish to be associated with "The Cry Baby". This label also made me a Bully Magnet.
It wasn't until the end of third grade that I was able to rein in the tears. It was also at this time I learned the value of sarcasm and definitely put it to good use.
Kids are still cruel and will find anything to target and make fun of, and when those times came I still wouldn't cry. I'd wait until I got home and in my bedroom to let out the tears. Because my bedroom was a safe place.
Some times it was harder than others to rein in the emotions. Especially when puberty hit, and hormones went crazy, and there I was again - crying at the drop of a hat.
As I got older, I got it in my head that showing emotions was somehow a bad thing (no doubt being raised by someone who was also told this exact same thing).
When I married Michael, everything changed. It was okay to cry and show emotion. I was encouraged that I tell him how I felt, and he didn't make fun of me or call me 'emotional' for doing so.
Michael didn't mind that I'd cry at another BFN, or failed cycle or another pregnancy announcement.
Even now, ten years later, he doesn't have a problem when I start crying because I'm frustrated that we are struggling to have kids while others are not.
So why do I hate crying?
Because I hate how transparent it makes me.
I hate that I still have a reason to cry.
I hate that I'm still hurting because of IF.
I hate that my children weren't meant to be here on this earth with us.
I hate that I'll never be okay with a woman I know getting pregnant.
I hate not knowing if we will ever be parents.
All of this makes me cry and I struggle to not let to show on my face. I still apologize to Michael whenever things that are IF or pregnancy related make my cry. He always tells me the same thing, "Its okay to be sad. We have struggled for a long time", and then he hugs me and lets me cry some more.
#Microblog Monday 599: Daily Rung
1 day ago
8 comments:
I think this may be the first time I'm posting on your blog. I added your blog to my favorites a while back because we are in similar places in our journey to parenthood. I am in the process of transitioning from treatment to adoption and we are currently completing our home study.
I read this post and wanted to let you know that I feel exactly the same as you. You are not alone in these thoughts. I believe that we won't get beyond the sadness until our hearts have what they need...a child to love. Just think of when that happens...we will be able to watch the child playing with our husbands, we'll get to hear a baby call out to their "mommy", we'll get to be tired from waking up at 2am, etc. :) I hope that after we transition to being mommy that we won't think back as much to the pain we experienced with losses and sadness from IF.
It is a blessing to have a husband like yours. My husband is very supportive and strong, too. I often feel the guilt associated with not being able to have his child, as I think I've read in one of your posts before. We are lucky to have husbands like this who love us no matter what.
As for crying, I, like you, hate doing it because I look like a train wreck when I'm done. I always end up with a stuffy nose, but it is a release. So, get it out. I find, too, that it can come out of no where.
Thinking of you and hoping that today is a happy day for you!
My hubby is the same way and it really is a wonderful thing to have that kind of support. We all need to cry from time to time. It can be very cathartic. Praying that your tears turn to ones of joy soon!!!
Oh wow....I sooo get this post. Vulnerability. Yuck. Just yesterday Hubby and I were driving and I randomly said, "I feel depressed." He immediately turned off the radio and had a very comforting conversation. Thank God for our hubbies! We are still searching for a country to adopt from...totally frustrating. May we both have our babies soon.
ICLW #103
Here from ICLW: I'm just like you. I was and still am very sensitive and cry about everything. It makes me feel better and helps me to express my emotions. Being new to infertility and after a loss in December, I've cried more in the last 8 months than I have in years. Like you, I'm lucky to have a supportive husband. I wish you lots of luck in your journey to adoption. I'm adopted myself and I feel so lucky to have been "chosen."
I know how you feel. I find myself apologizing for my emotional breakdowns all the time with my husband.
But then when he comforts me I understand how lucky I am to have him. So that's an upside, right?
((hugs))
What a wonderful husband you have! I've always been a big crier too, and IF certainly hasn't helped. I try to keep the crying jags to a minimum since they're often embarrassing and give me headaches, besides, but sometimes it's the only way to get all that pain and frustration out!
Hi! I'm a reader coming to you from ICLW August!
Your husband sounds like such a keeper! I've found from reading so many blogs and my own experience that this journey is so much easier when we have husbands who are supportive like yours!
I know what you mean about crying. There is usually a point when I'm crying when a little voice pops into my head and says, "Okay, enough self pity, get up." It is good to have that voice to remind me that after a good cry, I just have to get up again.
Crying seems OK for people other than me, but I think it's messy and stupid and it makes me feel weak. Still, I think it's a necessary evil, so just try to get through it.
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