What IF?

What IF, after all the pain and struggle of trying to have a baby, enduring the heartache of loss and failure, there is nothing left of me to give a baby through adoption?

I worry sometimes that because we had been TTC for more than 6 years, endured two miscarriages, and now are no longer TTC, if there is enough in me left to open my heart to adoption. All our invested hopes and dreams of having children of our own has been spent, what if there is nothing left to give?

Its been nine years of wanting a baby, six years of trying for a baby, What IF by the time I get baby I'm not good at being a mother, or worse after waiting so long, I hate being a mother?

Yes, my brain works on overload and I tend to ride that bad train of thought until I'm lying on the couch dissolved in tears. I forget sometimes, that thinking too far ahead in the future, can distort perceptions and create fear of the unknown. I have to be reminded to just concentrate on today. Just get through today.

But I can't help it. I've been fantasizing about the future and our children for ages. I've had their names picked out for 10 years. I've dreamt about who they would look like. If they would have my curly hair or Michael's hazel eyes.

There are some days, rare occasions, when I just want to stop...everything, stop all pursuits at parenthood. Because some days I'm not sure what kind of mother I will turn into having walked the road of infertility.

But then there is this voice in my head asking, nagging, yelling at me that What IF I'm good at being a mother, and I love and cherish every minute of it? Even the all night crying and sleepless nights.

What IF the wait was worth it in the end? Because I couldn't imagine my life without this child in it.

What IF all the pain of waiting, the anguish of failure, the heartache of loss was turned into joy? What IF all that we have been through makes us better, loving parents? What IF this child has been waiting for us and not the other way around?

Then I'll stay for the ride and endure the road blocks and speed bumps along the way. I'll open my heart to whatever God has in store for me. I'll pray He gives me the strength to hold on to the hope of our child, where ever he/she may be, that they will soon come home to us.

This week is National Infertility Awareness Week April 24 - May 1. This post was part of Project IF organized by Resolve.org and Mel of StirrupQueens.com. To learn more about infertility and how you can support someone you know going through this journey visit Resolve.org for more information.

If you would like to view the complete list of What IFs you can find them here.